On Chronic Pain.

I knew deep down it was going to be a bad month. I hadn’t had a reaction as strong as that in years, hadn’t happened upon that depth of shadow in I don’t know how long. I had cried and cried and cried as he held my hands that night but I knew it wasn’t over, that it would come back to clean up the remains through my bleed.

Day one started to ramp up and so I hastily ran myself a bath. As I lay in the hot water, I could feel those same familiar muscles between my legs pulling up. With them came a panic that was holding my centre in stasis, the blood could not flow. I knew that I needed to apply the learnings from recent experiences alleviating migraines. I needed to consciously meet the tension and fear head on. But the more I tried to engage with her terror, the more I compulsively pulled away, she was too frightening to look at directly.

So, I started to breathe through the lungs in my feet, exhaling down and dropping all that had been picked up back into the earth. And as I breathed, I let go into the overwhelm, allowing all the emotions to flow once more. I saw a large dark red clot float to the surface of the water. The blockage had cleared and I could move on.