28.10.2022
On Psychedelics
I think the more I progress within psychotherapy and find
separation from my past, the more I realise how interlinked creative expression
and trauma are. I don’t necessarily mean trauma as an awful event that happened
it your life. Obviously it can be that, but also it can simply be the
experiences, events and belief systems that have formed as a result of the life
you have lived. There was a really interesting study (Childhood
Adversity and the Creative Experience in Adult Professional Performing Artists)
that found a significant correlation between childhood adversity and more
intense creative experiences, where participants noted that the experience of
creation had a spiritual quality and that there was a breakdown between
themselves and what they were creating.
After reading about the
research currently being conducted on mental health and psychedelics, I decided
to embark upon a therapeutic plant medicine experience. As part of that
experience I spent about an hour or so taking photographs and was utterly
enthralled by the process. There was a sense of child-like awe and wonder at
how beautiful the world was, the sensuality and sexuality that was exploding
within every drop of nature. I recently had the photographs developed and was
surprised at how flat they were – the content was the same as what I would
usually photograph, but they were emotionless. It was as if all the feeling had
been experienced in the moment of taking the photograph to the extent that
there was no emotion left for the photograph to have.
I have experienced a few
versions of altered states including the plant medicine trips and bodywork
techniques such as Vegetotherapy in which you use breath and movement to
physically manifest strong emotions and liberate the autonomic nervous system. I
believe that plant medicine differs from non-drug induced states in its ability
to provide you with some sort of separation from your imprint. The psychedelic
appears to defragment your mind, separating out the habitual behaviour, belief
systems and reactions so that you are able to observe it as it plays out. This separation
helps with understanding and challenging these belief systems at an emotional
and intellectual level. Within the non-drug altered induced states, I step into the
split off version of myself that stored the emotions and through expressing
them am able to alleviate their imprint.
I have been ruminating on this
experience of separation resulting in emotionless work and the differing
qualities the two creative experiences have. As a child there is that awe at
the world and an unbounded desire to explore, experiment and create. There is
no ulterior motive or reason to do this other than the energetic experience of
joy and curiosity of the process. The work that children produce is single layered,
a physical manifestation of themselves in that moment. The psychedelic, in its
ability to bring you into that single layered existence where there is separation
between you and your ego, returns you to the state of child-like awe. As an adult, that process
becomes different. Our life experiences are now a heavy weight in our psyche
and our bodies, we split ourselves into multiple versions, seemingly discarding
our shadow selves. When we create it isn’t just the single version of us that
speaks, it is the echoes of forgotten and lost forms of us that imprint onto
our work, haunt us in their presence. These split off versions of ourselves
inform what grabs our attention. They are forever trying to be seen and heard
and they present themselves in our creations, gasping for attention.
The merging of artist and work
stems from the merging of our trauma and our existence, it comes to define how
we relate and experience the world. The unprocessed emotion that is stored in
our psyche and our body is transferred to the piece that is created. In my mind, this is why for
artists the act of creating can be such a toxic one. A creative practice can be
a way of returning to emotions and experiences compulsively.
I ponder now the question of whether
creativity is the result of trauma. Perhaps creativity is feelings and feelings
are the personal lens through which we view the world. What I do know is that
our creations are a mirror for us, they show us as we actually are in that
current moment. I think this is why the process of creating can be such a
painful one, it forces us to stop and look at who we actually are. I believe in the possibility of
healing and using our creative practice as a vehicle to look at our trauma. But
I do not think that healing comes from discarding or separating ourselves from
our shadow. I believe that integrating the split off feelings and versions of
ourselves can result in a creative practice that is nurturing in its existence
and is a tool to bring us closer to true selves.